Change is the only constant in life right? I sit here watching one of the same movies that I’ve looped all summer on DVR. I’m a creature of habit which makes the “change” bit exciting and daunting.

The tail end of this summer was nothing short of a mental & emotional clusterfuck. I’ve learned that my breakdowns have different levels. I’ve learned that chaos is not sustainable. I’ve learned that therapy has helped more than I thought it would. I’ve also learned that my pain threshold has significantly changed.

The changes I’ve had to made were a long time coming. When I retired from web design I rediscovered my love for graphic design. I am a creator. I love making things. I asked myself what was it about web design that sucked the life out of soul and learned it wasn’t the what but the how and with who.

We can only change what we’re willing to let go of.

So I started with my client list and then I moved onto my business offerings. I found myself naked and wearing a brand that felt too fresh to go out without clothes. So I hid which is at the core of my nature. And then the Universe responded with yet another test.

I’ve been “doing my own thing” since 2003, on and off either with a bridge job or without. We’re talking about at least 12 years, as of this publishing. In those 12 years I learned enough about myself to last several lifetimes yet it wasn’t until these past few weeks that I began to really understand what was at my core.

When it comes to my skills I know my ‘ish. I’m confident in my abilities and I can speak for hours on my niche topics. This shy introvert feels totally at ease on a stage when it comes to presenting my goods.

Confidence is one thing, trust is another.

While I know I’m good at what I do, I often don’t trust that I can do it as a living. For at least 10 years my trade was design and since I’ve let go of that role who was I going to be? How can I hide behind a computer monitor if my work was no longer contingent on 13 hours a day behind a screen?

An old friend once told me that I have very strong manifestation mojo and I believe it. Opportunities present themselves as if I were some witch twinkling my eyes. Yet this felt different. This time it was not the same excitement of something new. I mean it was for about 15 minutes and then reality settles in.

I was confronted with a chance to test my integrity. Do I surrender my identity out of fear or do I continue to do something that I’ve been working to walk away from? How much is my soul worth?

Whenever you’re given two different opportunities, there’s always a 3rd one.

In deciding to choose between two different opportunities I’ve decided to choose myself. I made a conscious decision to only seek the wise sage from a handful of people who I knew would be objective and who had enough clarity into my brand + vision to understand the complexity of these two opportunities. It is a great situation to be in and I’m grateful to have such abundance even if it put a strain on my emotional well-being.

Both choices are great. Both choices are amazing. Both choices are not for me.