It’s taken a while to understand why I am the way I am. Maybe its childhood trauma. Maybe its adulthood drama. Maybe its celestial. As an only child who was born under the Pisces sun sign, retreating inward was second nature for me.

I was comfortable in isolation and darkness. My imagination was the light and my creativity kept me company. Despite the selective memory my mom likes to indulge in, I was neglected as a child. I felt neglected and alone and have not so fond memories of staring out a window crying because the adults in my life preferred to hang out with their friends over me.

So yes I’m shy and yes I’m introverted.

Nature and nurture wouldn’t allow it any other way.

So 36 years later and I’m still in that 6 year old shell wondering when it will change. Wondering why I won’t change.

Is it written in the stars or is imprinted into my psyche?

Do I unlearn everything that makes me me or do I accept the relationship I have with fear?

Somewhere along the entrepreneurial journey I forgot the value of relationships. The downside of having a DIY mentality is the illusion that you can actually do it alone. You convince yourself that it’s better that way. You use the illusion of perfectionism to hide behind the truth.

So there I was leading the day movement and after several years the only person I was leading was myself. Getting past that after adopting a hermit lifestyle is challenging to say the least. Forcing myself to be social when all I want is to retreat into an empty apartment crying outside the window.

Familiar is toxic and when change feels forced poison is the only thing that feels real.

So why am I shy? Probably because solitude never surprises you. It never disappoints. It never leaves you wondering. It’s there when no one else is. It remembers your name and pats you on the back. It waits after everyone has walked away. It’s familiar when every emotion you have is everything but familiar.

But solitude doesn’t close deals. It doesn’t speak to you unless you have some mental disorder. It doesn’t whisper sweet nothings, nor does it give you a high five when you have dark and snarky thoughts. It doesn’t laugh at inappropriate jokes. It doesn’t live.

So the way I see it, shyness is about choosing not to live. Since life is full of choices, understanding my shyness takes me down rabbit hole within myself.

Insight is a beautiful thing.