First a heads up, there will be bad words in this post. If you get easily offended, hello we haven’t met!
I have 3 bitches living in my head. Some people talk about an inner voice or an inner critic. I have 3 and they’re all on the wrong side of crazy. While some women suffer from an inner voice that speaks passive aggressively to them, I’m stuck with an indecisive inner committee which meets to discuss my life at the most inconvenient times. They sit at a table and dissect my choices.
Why are you wearing that shirt? Don’t you know you’re on the sagging side of 30 with those boobs.
It’s downright exhausting. These bitches, and yes I refer to them by their name because that is what they are and that is who they are to me – 3 bitches with nothing better to do. They’re like those bonchichosas on the project stoop, gossiping about everyone in the building. Only in this case, the stoop is my head head and the projects they habitat in is my life.
So when you see me walking and I look deep in thought, perhaps I am. As an introvert I live in solitude even when I’m out and about with people. My haven is my mind and it’s like a double edge sword.
How am I supposed to escape these bitches if I keep going back to them?
Call me stubborn but it’s my head and it’s my life. I should not be the one who has to move. So a while ago I reached a breaking point. Either we all have to learn to live with each other or we go down with the ship.
So they tentatively agreed. We came to a truce. In exchange for me allowing them to live in my subconscious, they’ve agreed to let me introduce them to the world. This helps me alot actually. It puts a name with the voice. It helps me understand these bitches are not me. It lets me separate their voices from my own.
Their voices are their perspectives coming from their experience and in no way reflect who I am. In “outing” them I out myself as a recovering low self esteem chic. By bringing them to life I get to kill them at their source, slowly and permanently – at least I hope. So without further adieu, meet my inner committee.
DISCLAIMER: These names are NOT based on anyone in particular. Any names that represent someone I know, follow on Facebook, had beef with or whatever is purely coincidental. Seriously, I don’t name anyone after someone real. The last thing I need is to get sued.
Sonia: This is the alpha female.
She’s angry and likes to consider herself mis-understood. She’s not completely wrong. She’s just also not completely right. She’s the head bitch in charge. She owns the office for where all meetings are held.
She sits back and watches my life. When I’m happy she gets a text that buzzes her beeper. When that happens, she drops everything, calls an emergency meeting and starts dissecting everything that is making me happy.
Why are you smiling? Is it because of a guy? Well you know he’s gay right?
Is it a business deal that came through. You know they’re going to hate your work right?
What is that – you have no reason? Well you know it won’t last right? You don’t deserve it. You haven’t earned it.
Don’t bother asking me how to earn it because you’re not good enough to make it happen anyway.
Yes she’s that bitch. Pure hate and anger. Evil would be sugar coating her personality. The devil looks at her and gets tense. I get anxious as I write this because I know she’s plotting my demise as I type.
Sonia is no joke and she’s the head honcho in my head. If I knew how to assassinate her I would but she’s kinda like a Heather – when you take one out another returns to take her place. So I use this approach: “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” Sonia has weaknesses and I’m learning about them one memory at a time. She is misunderstood but that doesn’t justify her methods.
Chloe: She’s the whimsical female.
She’s not a dark person but she’s highly indecisive. She doesn’t want to accept responsibility, like EVER. She’s more than just a rebel, she’s dangerous.
When you say something bad about me, she’s already writing up your eulogy and calling up a handful of people to testify on my behalf during your murder trial.
I don’t mess with Chloe. She looks nice and innocent, and for the most part she is. She loves life and doesn’t think about consequences. Say jump and she’s already at a cliff without a parachute, because safety nets are for pussies. Besides the ride is more awesome when you know it’s your last right?
She will tell you that anything is possible, and it is, even when you don’t believe it. She is so drunk on her own flavor of Kool-Aid that you don’t have to believe it. She’s too busy making you live that you don’t notice you’re afraid.
Yes, Chloe is great to party with but a drag when you need to return to reality. She will remind you that you’re going to die and to live it up. On the flip side, all that passion and emotion comes a very sinister side. The kind that will cut someone if they look at you the wrong way. She doesn’t want to see me hurt so she ODs on the protective mode. Moderation is not in her vocabulary.
Remember that whenever you want to criticize my choices or judge my behavior.
Emily: This is the crazy bitch.
Don’t get it twisted, Chloe is dangerous but Emily sees butterflies and thinks she’s a fairy. She takes chocolate kisses and throws them at strangers because she wants to surprise them with kisses. Yea, she’s crazy. There’s no method to the madness.
She’s off her rocker and she doesn’t take her medication.
So when there’s a committee meeting, these chicks are there for HOURS trying to steer my life decisions. Emily offers no insight, nothing of value.
She’s just there to remind the other two extremes how warped they are in their respective extremes. She’s not a real tie breaker. At the end of the day, do you really want someone like her siding with either Sonia or Chloe? – I didn’t think so.
So there you have it – my inner committee. They’ll share notes to my life’s milestones every now and then. For now it was just a battle getting them to agree with being so public. They live in the shadows of my mind, whispering to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Some days they’re not as loud, other days they won’t SHUT UP.
To put it in perspective, when there’s a meeting to discuss something great in my life, Sonia is there, complete with a Power Point presentation, talking about how it’s going to fail. Chloe is there talking about how it’s going to last forever and by forever she means tomorrow because she scheduled a shark diving trip without a tank in South Africa so that I can feel “ALIVE.” Emily is there and she’s looking at the wall and saying “pudding.”
So yea, when I say I am always in conflict – you now know why.