I am Unapologetically Lost in My Delusion

brown wooden cabinet with mirror

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written here and I think I’m finally ready to resume musing.

I’m battling a painful headache that spruced up yesterday and I don’t know if it’s because the cosmos are fucking with me or if my iron levels are too low.

Maybe it’s dehydration or the fact that I went on the scale at the clinic for a lung test and saw some numbers I had been avoiding.

If I allow myself to go down rabbit holes, I can hype up my paranoia by convincing myself that I have a brain issue (wont say the *t* word) because my mom got an aneurysm after contracting COVID and well I also had COVID so maybe these random headaches aren’t so random.

On the flip side, Pluto is severely making noise in my first house like an unruly child in need of a nap.

I don’t know.

It could be that I have a lot on my mind and spirit is not letting me be complacent in my own mental spiraling anymore.

Or maybe the lack of sleep I’ve been having is finally taking it’s toll. I don’t fucking know anymore.

When they say “we are like onions” I know it’s supposed to be mean that there are levels to who we are but too often it feels like there’s too many levels to heal from and the tears we shed from slicing the onions are meant to symbolize an expression of grief for who we either could have been or who we never will be.

I took a Tylenol and I guess my issue is that I hate taking Tylenol even though I won’t hesitate to pop an Oxy. I’m a Pisces. Given a chance to disassociate, I won’t hesitate to take it. But alleviate my mental pain? Why would I want to do that?! 🙃

A headache has to be really bad for me to take a Tylenol because I don’t like taking medication for something as minute as a headache and yet I’m in year three of trying to convince my primary physician to give me Ativan. I will spend the weekend trying to unpack this even though I’ll be doing so with a headache.

It got me wondering…how much of my suffering is because we are more comfortable with the problem than the solution?

I miss my therapist. I didn’t realize it until after but she was the only one who got me to break the stories I keep telling myself. It was like she had the skeleton key to my psyche and without forcing her way in, she was able to help me realize some truths that I couldn’t keep intellectualizing.

Her approach, while it was heavily rooted in talk therapy and CBT, also integrated something that I realize is the only way I am going to break through these patterns.

She unofficially introduced somatic therapy.

I have an overwhelmed mind. I don’t shut off. I take meds to sleep because I can’t turn the switch down. I wake up thinking. It’s beyond exhausting. To think about having to add

Tylenol to the daily medical cocktail mix doesn’t jazz me up.

And it’s all unknown to me, right? We *don’t know* what we don’t know and our subconscious is epically trained at gatekeeping the clarity that could break all toxic behaviors.

How interesting would life be though if we knew what to do?

I mean it would make things less painful but where’s the *fun* in that, right?!

The moon in Pisces is in my 2nd house and that’s raising an awareness of what exactly am I worth.

Is the delusion that I am worth more than I think or is it that I am overestimating my own value?