Growing Pains

a street sign pointing in opposite directions at a train station

I think back to all of the friendships I’ve let go of and while I am not good at saying goodbye, I am equally not good at letting go. So I’ll keep a connection well past its’ expiration date and then get upset at the spoiled milk.

I feel like I am reprogramming myself while simultaneously reparenting who I’ve neglected all these years. So much talk about an inner child that my inner adolescent and inner young adult feels like they’re the middle child in a family of emotional misfits.

Who is going to love my inner “Meg?”

It’s been an interesting journey of recollecting memories from the last 40+ years. Battle scars that I would laugh at because it’s funny to those that gave to me would often leave the clinical professional clutching their invisible pearls.

What do you mean it’s not normal to be woken up at 11:30pm on a school night to look at the dead body in the car outside our window?

Doesn’t everyone twitch when their mom walks behind them?

I have one suppressed memory that others recall with such clarity that it makes me wonder what else have I been suppressing about my upbringing?

If I can’t trust my recall capabilities, how can I be sure my body isn’t reacting to even more deeply embedded trauma?

Hindsight comes with a cost. As I unravel the imprints that left me wondering about my purpose in this life, I recognize the ways in which I bring those wounds to friendships. I was always an “all or nothing” kinda person and the toxicity I shared poisoned some of the friendships I used to think were sacred.

I’d go on a mental cycle of wondering how much of the fallout for our breakups were because I tainted the connection with unrealistic expectations or were they reflections of the chaos I needed to recreate in order to validate feeling like a victim.

Very few friendships stood the test of time. Most were either discarded by choice or through sabotage.

It’s easier to navigate life with demons on your own because they’re the one constant that is loyal enough to stick around despite any inroads one makes to heal.

What I’d like to think awakenings do is provide us with the clarity and insight to acknowledge the ways we can write a new story.

Having limitations is not an excuse but they provide the context which we need to accommodate for so that we can evolve with grace.

Maybe I’ll make new friends. Maybe I’ll reconnect with old friends. Maybe I’ll learn to be my own best friend. And maybe I’ll remember the value of build relationships with people outside of myself.