I’ve been conflicted about how to share this, for many reasons. On the business side, I am aware how taking a FT job after spending 15+ years in self-employment can present like failure and defeat. I also know those are my words and not yours.
If you’ve been reading my content since 2019 then you know of all the numerous health scares + surgeries I’ve undergone and the rants that came with them.
You also got a front row seat to the existential crisis that came with each and how I’d been thinking A LOT about putting down the strategist hat.
I change my URL and set up new platforms only to go back to the originals. I’m indecisive and have always been. I should have been in Miami, remember? I should have launched a course. I should have written at least two novels.
My life of SHOULD was overwhelming loud that when I finally burned out, it was a complete shutdown. And that mental breakdown came approximately six weeks ago.
I have this uncanny ability to hyper-focus on something once I am intent on an outcome.
My life as a full-time strategist was no longer emotionally or mentally sustainable so I did a hard pivot and leveraged my hyper-fixation and obsessive nature to find a job.
I applied to upwards of 100 jobs in a two week period. I did several interviews and got far with three of them. I received a few offers and spent a week having recurring panic attacks at the thought of picking one. I was taking my anxiety meds daily and thankfully settled into a steady routine with my therapist.
I settled on a job. Yes…I am still doing strategy work. I am not abandoning my brand + business. I am simply taking a break from the chaos of managing my hustle while navigating a personal identity crisis.
I am sharing all of this while also leaving out details because I can’t just say “I am going back to work.”
Context matters because life decisions are rarely black + white.
- Sometimes you need to stop.
- Sometimes you have to resume traditional employment.
- Sometimes you change your mind.
And all of those reasons are valid. No one needs to give you permission to choose what’s right for you.
I’m not rewriting my story. I’m writing a new chapter. The book of life doesn’t need to make sense to anyone but you.
There are a lot of reasons why I’ve been struggling but one of the takeaways I learned is that struggle doesn’t have to be bad thing. The definition of struggle is to “make forceful effort to get free from restraint.”
When the restraints are subconscious, how does one work with that?
You don’t know what you don’t know and you can’t address what you can’t see.
The emotional journey of entrepreneurship is a clusterfuck. Some people get by with no issues. Some people figure things out. Some people don’t struggle.
If I am going to honor my radical self-acceptance, I cannot look at how other people are doing life because I can only work with what I have within.
I do my best to practice what I preach. Throughout my breakdown I stayed tethered to my core tenet of “breakthroughs are disguised as breakdowns.”
I knew this was an opportunity, even with the scary and painful feelings of defeat. If you find yourself on the opposite side of your dreams, go through your emotions and let yourself feel the feelings.
You can be both sad and optimistic.
You can quit and still feel like a success.
Words are spells and whenever you find yourself exploring a rabbit hole that takes you back to point A, just remember that you are not starting again from scratch.
You are writing a new chapter with insight.
If you’d like more deets about my decision, feel free to email me. I’m still here writing like a chatty Cathy. I’m still taking on clients. We’ll just be meeting in the AM or on weekends. I’m still processing all of the life markers that have left the strongest of impressions.
And…probably the most important, I am still rooting for the Yankees!
The season’s not over until the season is over.
This is a lesson we can also be wise to remember.