Deconstructing Who I Am

orange band aid on concrete surface crack

The last six weeks have felt like I was riding those spinning tea cups. I’m finally settled into therapy and feel like I have at least one hour a week where I can process everything with someone who has no expectations of me.

I am currently waiting for something to come through that could help alleviate some of the anxiety that blocks me from acknowledging my limitations. I am not ok and haven’t been for a while and that’s OK…or at least it should be.

This is not my first rodeo at a breakdown.

One of my favorite sayings is how breakthroughs are often disguised as breakdowns. Whether it was an emotional breakdown, a spiritual meltdown, or an aha moment – a switch was turned and I have been grappling with getting back on a solid foundation.

Some days are easier than others. I still do my work. I still go about my days. I haven’t been incapacitated. I’ve been made fully aware that what I thought was working is no longer sustainable and the truth is…I don’t think it ever was.

I touched on something in therapy today and I feel like this diary helps me elaborate the residual thoughts. Because I find that I’m saying things at the 40 minute mark of a 45 minute session and I don’t always know how to make sense of it on my own.

I’m still new with this therapist so we’ve been touching on everything in bits. The one thing that I realized was that I confessed to not having self-trust. I don’t know if this is the result of trauma or OCD.

The fact that I don’t trust myself to make sound judgement is a big pill to swallow.

I said it very nonchalant and after the statement came out of my mouth, I realized how impactful that moment of clarity was.

It can put into context so much of the challenges I’ve been struggling with to be present online. Among many other reasons, the fact that I don’t trust myself could explain why I’m so indecisive in business and life.

This is where I second guess everything.

Am I indecisive because I have a Libra moon or because I grew up in some chaos and instability?

Am I indecisive because I lack confidence or is it because I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions?

Over the last six weeks, I get chest pains when I think about planning the rest of my year. When I open up Canva to batch graphics, I can’t breathe. I’ve associated work with anxiety and it fucking sucks.

Client sessions…no problem. Client work…easy peasy. I don’t have any issues doing the work for others. I lose all will to thrive when it comes to doing the work for myself.

And it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do.

Some days I think I want to quit. Other days I realize that I just need a break.

But what happens when a few days off turn into a few weeks off and that desire to resume the grind never returns?

Work/life boundaries has always been difficult for me and I wonder if it’s because shifting from work to life takes so much mental and emotional energy that it’s just easier to mesh them together.

I’ve been embracing the word “uncontainable” and what it means to embody an unapologetic existence but the thing about words is that we can’t only accept the version we like.

If I am going to be “uncontainable” then the unintended consequences of that is uncontainable anxiety, uncontainable OCD, and uncontainable self-doubt.

I used to think I loved puzzles because it piqued my curiosity.

I never imagined it was foreshadowing a life of constantly putting myself back together.