The Painful Process of Growth

This year has been a low key shadow period for many of us, including myself. The pandemic of 2020 provided clarity if one was willing to pay attention.

Change is always an ongoing process and transforming during a transformational period is not the faint of heart.

How easy would it be to look the other way?

How easy would it be to be complacent and complicit?

One of the dualities I’ve had to work through is this idea of who I want to be and how I could honor my authentic self without sacrificing the desire to be accessible and likable.

In many ways, I’ve had to shed my skin and curb my tongue. I’ve had to “heal wounds” and consider what other people think + feel.

I’ve had to decide who’s truth is worth more, my own or those who revel in mediocrity?

Lately it’s been difficult because growth is painful.

Confronting the ego and accepting your darkness is painful. Acknowledging how you’ve been harmed and how you harm others is painful.

Yet beyond the pain is growth and on the other side of growth is peace of mind, or so I’m told.

New moons have never felt like an initiation period to me. Clarity + awakenings come when an area of your light is lit up but I find that I get lit up in the darkness.

When you can’t see what’s in front of you, faith + intuition take over and new moons are all about what we don’t see.

Getting caught up in the idea of something versus what it actually is speaks to the essence of hiding in the energy of Pisces. Fantasy is more appealing than reality but too often the reality in my head is not consistent with the actual reality of my external world.

And since I don’t go binge drinking on weekend and my edible supply has been low, I compensate with work.

During one of my shadow reflections this weekend, I started wondering…am I being a toxic individual or have my standards changed?

There’s a lot that I don’t say out of fear for losing friends, family, and clients. So I keep quiet and let it come out as passive aggressive snark. Over time, it builds and I am left confronting a thought: burn the bridge or continue to pretend like I want to keep a connection with people who will never get to experience the whole version of me?

I’ve burned many bridges in my day and I always second guess if it was worth it. When you don’t have a community of like-minded peeps, it can get lonely but it’s also lonely when you’re surrounded by people who adore the suppressed version of you.

I am stuck and when I recognize the hole I do what I can to move my spiritual and mental self out. If there’s one thing this entrepreneurial journey has taught me it’s the need to surround yourself with people who want to leave the stuck rut just as badly as you do.

When I say I’ve outgrown most people in my life right now, it’s not to say they are bad and I am good.

Growth means evolving to the next level – not just physically or financially but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This pandemic has shown me how many people in my inner circle who are simply not at the level I want to engage and I have to be OK with that.

I am not responsible for anyone’s growth but my own.

Over the past few months, I’ve engaged in conversations with other Latinx individuals who believe:

  • “illegals” shouldn’t come here because they’re taking our jobs
  • social programs shouldn’t exist because they don’t want their taxes to cover unemployment insurance for others
  • people are lazy and should just be happy to have any kind of job
  • the vaccine is too soon because they heard so from friends and strangers on Facebook
  • afro-latinos complain too much

I thought about deleting all social media apps from my devices since it’s “low vibe” to engage these conversations right?

But what happens when some of the calls are also coming from inside the house?

Where’s the manual for navigating the process of outgrowing the people in your life? 

The friendships you thought would last a lifetime?

The family whose bonds were untouchable?

The clients who you just can’t walk away from?

One of the reasons I’ve decided to write more about my inner thoughts is because we don’t speak to the conflicting emotions that come up during the entrepreneurial journey.

It’s not just about building a brand + business to profitability.

The process of reaching your potential includes doing the work to evolve who you are on the inside, even when that means letting go of the experiences and relationships that held you up thus far.

The idea of a “lifetime” is subjective. We assume it means until we’ve transitioned but sometimes that “lifetime” is 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 months, or 5 years.

This new moon in Leo was hitting my 7th house and one of the thoughts I had to reflect on was the idea of quality vs quantity of the relationships that I value.

We are constantly expressing our desires through our actions. The words we use signal how valued something and someone is.

Am I being honest about the relationships I value in my life?
Who is showing up for me and more importantly who am I choosing to show up for?
Are those connections worth holding onto?

I severed ties with at least one family member earlier this year and it wasn’t done lightly. I had reflected and thought would the quality of my life change if this person was no longer a part of it? I realized that their presence, however sporadic, was not feeding my soul regardless so their absence was not going to be a felt loss.

So snip snip it was, but in epic Mercurian fashion because I was really speaking for several people when it went down.

Again I’m confronted with that question, only it’s expanded to everyone I know personally.

Would the quality of my growth change if “x” person was no longer an active participant in my daily life?

I’ll circle back around to this on December 31, 2021 to answer this Q.

What about you?

Are you aligned with the people who are meant to go the distance or have they reached as far as they can in your journey?

Remember, this is YOUR journey and not theirs.

For now my new mantra is:

You’re right. do you. good luck. be blessed. #deuces ✌🏼
Vicky Ayala

My name is Vicky & I am a brand strategist & visual storyteller. By day, I work with multi-passionate entrepreneurs to organize their creative genius into a memorable brand experience with engaging design, authentic storytelling and strategic online marketing. When I'm not conjuring brand magic, you can find me musing about the entrepreneurial journey which includes everything from finding the perfect chai latte to plotting my domestic move to Miami.

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