I too much of an edible this past weekend at a family wake because my desire to disassociate overlooked any good judgment I thought I had. I attended to provide emotional support and spent the whole day making sacred pacts with my spiritual team, pleading not to let me be a hashtag.
I had a “come to Jesus” moment.
Between confronting my own mortality and guilt-tripping myself for getting like that at a family function, all I could think about was how I wouldn’t get to work on deliverables until Monday.
Hustle culture will have us actively engaging in self-exploitation, fully conscious and well aware of the consequences that comes with overwhelming our mind, body, and spirit.
Maybe I was meant to get so baked.
Maybe that was my spiritual squad’s way of telling me to slow the fuck down.
Maybe that was spiritual entrapment to force me into submission and signing a sacred contract to do better with my life choices.
I felt a sense of judgment coming from my alter when I started sleeping with my laptop again.
How does one create a balance between wanting the freedom that comes with self-employment without compromising the things we need to thrive?
Cancer season starts today and when I struggle to get out of the cozy bed, I keep my laptop around so I can catch up without disrupting my comfort.
It reminded me of when I used to stay up until 3am working on websites for clients to pay for the production expenses of the shows I used to do.
I’ve always been hella ambitious and unraveling so much of that led me to realize how much of my entrepreneurial identity is rooted in trauma.
It’s why so much of my hallucinations over the weekend were about why “this can’t be it.” I repeated that over and over for HOURS.
I remember telling myself that I have not reached my potential and here lies the struggles of navigating the duality of ambition.
That I would seek to disassociate so badly only to trip about missing out on what I was disassociating from.
This is a mid-week rant and I wouldn’t be sharing this if this topic hadn’t come up so much over the years with clients.
Granted, they don’t go that extreme but the sentiment of “is this it?” comes up often and it’s what keeps the entrepreneurial fire burning, even when the flames are blown out.
I am long overdue for a change, more so than the website. My spiritual peeps, when they weren’t laughing, reminded me that I don’t need to disassociate for clarity and peace.
As entrepreneurial peeps, we are hard wired to adapt and shift whenever life calls for a change.
This is probably why I’m a good strategist.
Having been a workaholic for decades and now knowing how to navigate the duality of ambition gives me a perspective that speaks to those who struggle with their hustle and imposter syndrome.
And yet I still find moments to disassociate. Those experience will make for some epic novels soon. 🥲
Cancer is ruled by the moon making this season an opportunity to reconnect with your intuition, nurture your desires, and embrace mid-day naps.
Use this season to remember that emotions are not facts but that facts are also NOT BETTER than emotions.
I am sharing all of this so that whoever needs to hear that emotions are not the arch-nemesis of being normal, successful, or worthy of visibility.
We are in Cancer season, aka emotion-city. Speaking about your feelings can help you with breaking through as an entrepreneur. Because when you let those uncomfortable emotions build up, they eventually show up in your hustle.
And if we can normalize expressing the inner workings of our minds, we can make space for all of the magic waiting to be thought of. 😬