I don’t know what I am doing.
I say this out loud because I needed to hear it myself. It goes against everything that I am supposed to be doing right. As an expert, I should have the answers. I should be in control of my entrepreneurial compass. I should be writing the narrative of my journey.
But reality disagrees with my shoulds and I am sitting here realizing to myself, and to the world, that I don’t know what I am doing.
There’s what I know and what I want to know. Neither of these scenarios give me the comfort to relish in my uncertainty. I’d like to consider myself evolved to the point where I’m not afraid of the unknown but that’s not the case. Like other humans, I do whatever I can to minimize the scariness of change.
Out of instinctual habit, I resist jumping off the cliff and prefer the solitude of conformity. Or is it the solitude of depression? This time of year, I can’t tell the difference.
I am a daydreamer…
…so in my mind, everything plays out with the calm relaxing feel of a vintage Polaroid picture. Only this is modern times and the Polaroid is not authentic. It’s an Instagram filter and it’s about as manufactured as you can get.
My authenticity is scarred with the memories of my past.
The memories that continue to show up in my present, wearing new clothes and talking a new game. I hold onto affirmations that speak to quiet insecure voice because she needs to hear over and over that all of this sacrifice is worth it because she’s worth it. When what I really need is the loud brassy diva voice to step up and tell people who try to low ball my worth, where they can stick their BS offer.
There’s an opposing energy at the core of who I am. I guess it’s the Pisces in me. It doesn’t feel comfortable unless there’s enough discomfort to zone out all the positive light.
Becoming your own emotional vampire is a scary realization and daunting hurdle to overcome.
And this is why I don’t know what I am doing. This is why I perfected the art of projection and learned how to camouflage ambiguity with beautiful imagery. It’s easy to distract yourself when you unleash the jar of butterflies to fly within your bubble.