Being Undiagnosed

don't give up. You are not alone, you matter signage on metal fence

My mental health journey has been complex. I go between “is this astrology” or “is this an expression of trauma?”

I have insight…tons of it, and I wonder if that’s helping or hindering me. I still remain “undiagnosed.” I’m somewhere between nothing at all to potentially bipolar to ADHD to OCD and a bunch of assumption in between from both clinical professionals and friends who mean well but are also invested in the limited perspective they have of me.

On the surface, it looks like I’m on a quest to find an identity.

Why is getting diagnosed such a big deal?

Why do I need a label for who I am and how I feel?

I’m not in my 20s anymore. I’m supposed to be the old dog that can’t learn new tricks. I’m GenX and we’re supposed to be set in our ways right?

โœŒ๐ŸผI don’t have ADHD.โœŒ๐Ÿผ

I’m just not motivated enough. I don’t have enough discipline.

โœŒ๐ŸผI don’t have bipolar disorder.โœŒ๐Ÿผ

I just lack the emotional strength to cope with life’s challenges.

โœŒ๐ŸผI don’t have OCD.โœŒ๐Ÿผ

I just fixate because I lack focus.

โœŒ๐ŸผI don’t have anxiety.โœŒ๐Ÿผ

I just don’t know how to emotionally detach from things.

The stories I’ve been telling myself for decades are not working for me anymore.

Getting diagnosed gives me clarity.

It gives me a reason to better understand who I’ve always been. I get to compartmentalize the negative self-talk that I cannot shake for the life of me.

Because if I have “X” then that helps me better understand who I am not.

I get triggered a lot lately and the more I talk about my childhood with therapists, the more I recognize how deeply invested I am in the trauma that shaped everything about me…the ideas I hold, the personalities I embody, the decisions I make – all of it.

And it’s difficult to accept.

If the inner dialogue I always have with myself are how obtrusive thoughts manifest for me, then I know it’s not “me.”

Do you have any idea how isolating it is to feel like nothing about your life is yours?

Living a shell of myself is exhausting and I need closure, and no I cannot give myself closure. I cannot give myself permission. All of the things I advocate don’t feel relevant when it comes to my mental health.

Because some days I battle with finding the incentive to keep going and other days I advocate for my wellness in a silo.

So yea, a diagnosis helps with saying “that’s why” because I’m tired of saying to myself “is this all there is?”