It’s been a long week and I am processing all of the conflicting thoughts that came up with three days on this new job. In many ways it’s ideally suited for my expertise. In many ways, my expertise will make the position challenging.
As someone who’s been self-employed and doing my own thing for over 15 years, working with people in a collaborative setting, especially those who don’t have the same vision as me, is going to wreck my resolve.
Time will tell if it’s a blessing or curse but I trust the process and respect the journey that I am on.
I spent the last few days trying to reclaim some authority over my freedom by deciding to rebrand and do it in a few hours. I got ridiculously overwhelmed because I didn’t want to feel defeated.
I wanted to reassure my conflicted mind that I was not taking steps back, even as I answer what feels like the millionth time “why did you take a traditional job?”
It was as if no one paid attention when I said I had an emotional and mental break because I wear overwhelm well and it’s difficult to see the battles I fight when they’re invisible to you and very obvious to me.
I wonder if unmasking is acceptable only when there’s an unspoken agreement to put the mask back on at the slightest inconvenience to those who don’t want to accommodate my shifting moods and demeanor.
It’s not lost on me that those closest don’t believe I have ADHD and OCD and those who work with me clearly see how I struggle. It’s not a coincidence that those who called me lazy, unmotivated, and lacking discipline refuse to recognize that I need support because it would require extending grace instead of blame.
And now I am at a job where I have to decide how much of my authenticity needs to be hidden because integrity is expensive and being unapologetic comes across as unprofessional in settings that require conformity.
We make ourselves smaller so others don’t feel uncomfortable with their complacency and now I have to make daily choices on which of my values get compromised for the sake of being a team player.
Being a solo hustler for over a decade makes me so self-reliant that I have debilitating tunnel vision. I crave a group setting. I need voices to engage me other than the critics in my head.
Having other people talk to me helps drown out the intrusive thoughts that can sabotage my growth potential.
I don’t want to do all of this shit by myself. And yet I want to retain a level of independence because freedom is one of the my key core values.
Ambition is nuanced and I hope to extend grace on the days I can’t find myself staying in “my lane.”