Am I Really Emotionally Invested in Fear?

palm trees near buildings

Why do we do the things we do when we intellectually KNOW they are not what we want to do?

I’m not referring to that day job that helps pay your bills. I’m talking about the continued life choices that not only don’t align with your vision but are also counter-intuitive to your healing.

Some people call them “limiting” beliefs but I prefer to call them “conflicting” beliefs but limiting feels, well, limiting and I try to make a conscious effort to be less judgmental about how I move in this world.

Those beliefs don’t just limit me, they conflict with who I want to be and how I want to live.

Framing it as conflict allows me to hold both grace and accountability with myself because I get to choose what to do with the thoughts that plague my overwhelmed mind.

The beliefs themselves don’t limit me. They provide me with clarity. How I integrate those insights is usually where the disconnect lies.

Case in point, I’ve been wanting to move to Miami since 2019. I was almost ready to leave in early 2020 but then…well.

Each time I make plans to go, life happens and I find myself wondering if it’s fate to avoid that state. The main reasons why I didn’t move was because of the pandemic and surgeries. 

Depending on who you ask, they’ll call me out and say these are excuses and not reasons. That if I really wanted to move I would be there and how I use challenges to keep me stuck.

In theory, my “limiting” belief is why I don’t move because my fear of having no health insurance or employment stability is manufactured in my mind because “what is for me won’t pass me” and all of that toxic inspiration shit that often does more emotional harm than good.

How I’ve rationalized not having moved to Miami is simply that I value what I have more than what I don’t have.

Moving would mean losing my health insurance. As someone with constant health related issues, this is one of the most sticking issues for me. Sure, FL is a state with people who see doctors and nothing bad happens…right? RIGHT??

I had two surgeries since the start of 2020 and a colon cancer scare in 2021. I am also in therapy and also waiting for a diagnosis so I can get medication to help treat whatever I have.

Moving to Miami in February 2020 (when I was scheduled to go) would have meant winging it health-wise and waiting to get insurance while also hoping that my conditions would be treated with the severity that they were.

It’s always interesting to see how people tell me I’m making excuses when I know that had I left right before COVID I would easily have been dead. When I caught COVID in March/April 2020, I couldn’t get treatment. The ER nurse told me to not come in so I was doing daily nebulizer treatments on my own.

I was left to my own devices, self-medicating with whatever pills and inhalers I could get my hands on. I couldn’t breathe for three weeks. It wasn’t until I begged the urgent care doctor to give me something because she dismissed my not being able to breathe as anxiety. One bout of antibiotics later and I was good as new.

I always think about what that experience would have been like if I was alone in Miami with no support and a state full of people who didn’t believe this shit was real.

Even now, I am on the fence about going to Miami. Am I willing to give up therapy, a doctor who goes above and beyond for me, and all of the support that I get here?

I think one of the reasons I’ve isolated so much from people is because I just don’t vibe with the people who posture their bravado with judgment, shame, and self-righteousness.

I’m not making enough of an effort to move to Miami but also I struggle with making an effort to get through a day. Figuring out the logistics of uprooting my life doesn’t feel like a priority when I still need medication to sleep at night from anxiety.

Am I willing to give up what’s barely keeping me going to live in a state that is soooo not aligned with my core values?

If not Miami, then where?

This is my life but this is also how I process shifts with my entrepreneurial journey. Because I could easily also say “if not strategy, then what?”

I am in the midst of a transformation and I know that but that doesn’t make the process less tedious, painful, and emotionally exhausting.

I don’t judge fear anymore. I honor it as an emotion that comes with valuable lessons.

I just want the peace of mind that comes with palm trees and tropical breeze. Given how the weather keeps shifting, I might actually get to have that in NYC soon.

But also…I still kinda want Miami. 🤫