I lasted about as long as I expected. Changing habits can be daunting and over time I’ve come to realize that this old dog doesn’t like to learn new tricks. I love learning but I don’t embrace change as much as I used to.

They say we’re like fine wine, getting better with age. I do believe I’m better than my 20 year old counter-part. I would kill for the fearlessness of my naive years but I would not change the whole “not feeling OK with who you are.”

That kind of confidence only comes with surviving life experiences and aside from wrinkles, it brings a profound sense of clarity.

I can look back and see where my insecurities messed up my opportunities. I can look back and see a shell of who I am now because without going through the ringer, I never would have learned how to appreciate the idiosyncrasies that make me awesome.

Yet one thing hasn’t changed and that’s my pattern. Like clockwork, I’m very predictable.

I have the same ticks.

The same habits.

The same defense mechanisms.

When faced up against a wall, I retreat to the same corner. When given a complex riddle, I don’t stop until it’s solved. I’m not as complex as I’d like to assume to be. Human behavior is simple and predictable.

We do what we do because we learned how to do it a certain way. We’re conditioned and I’d be foolish to believe that in 4 days I can unravel 36+ years of consistent patterns.

I clocked in to bed at 2am and fell asleep around 4am. I woke up at 5:30am in time to drive 2 hours for a vet appointment, in the dark, with trucks and potential deer sightings.

I feel like I’m in a dysfunctional relationship with my body and sleep deprivation is the gun I use to play Russian roulette with myself. I abuse words like a drug addict and turn it against my inner light.

Driving in the dark on little sleep is no way to start any day, but that’s my pattern.

I’m all in, 120%.

I’m committed to rising early and becoming that early bird that lives a normal life. I’m dedicated to living up the a standard that was set my society so that I can become a productive team player.

Maybe changing a habit is more about proving you can than accepting that a lifestyle change is in order. At this point, it doesn’t really matter.

If I want to get something I’ve never had, I need to do something I’ve never done before.