Not knowing when to let go is about as dangerous as not wanting to give up. Holding on for the sake of holding on is ego-driven and does nothing for one’s peace of mind.

Clocking in at 4am and waking up at 10am and again at 11am and again at noon is not a healthy way to live.

It’s beyond dysfunctional.

It’s codependent.

You see I need sleep and I justify it by the hours slept but when I look at the time I do it in, it’s not a surprise that my inner demons “guilt” and “shame” find a way to sabotage any efforts towards inner peace.

My excuse: I spent a few hours looking up apartments on AirBnB. Not the best use of my time but given my intentions to travel the world this, this also not the worst use of my time.

For the record, Seville is top of my list.

Every click of the keyboard, every browser window that opened – I heard that inner voice telling me “No Mas.”

I heard her.

I acknowledged her presence.

I thought about it.

I continued to stay awake.

I continued to go about my business doing stuff that does nothing for my bottom line.

Having spent a whole day with the family taking my sister’s dog to the vet in PA, I was spent and not in the work state of mind to do what I needed to do.

Instead I procrastinated and went on a mental sabbatical. I scoured through looking for cheap digs so I can manifest my reality of “Eat Pray Love” in foreign countries, living like a “Local Turista.”

Yes, Seville it is.

These flights of fancies before bedtime are critical if I am to dream up enough confidence, courage and mojo to make my whimsical journeys across the pond my reality. If I don’t indulge in the “what ifs” then I can’t visualize them into conception.

This is my crux.

This is one of my secrets that I hold onto like a crack addict. If I let this go then I let myself go and that’s unacceptable.

My vision board has the phrase “Never settle for good enough” which is fitting right now.

I could go to sleep early.

I could re-join the rat race.

I could do so many things, settling for a reality that makes sense for everyone else.

Or I could spend one night setting the intentions for the life I see as untouchable, so that one day it won’t be so untouchable. But if I did then I wouldn’t have these thoughts to write about. I’d be like everyone else and that was never the plan for my life.

My guiding word is design and I can’t design a life I want if I’m too busy sleeping it away.