My Desire Map Planner came in today. I saw someone post a picture of theirs and thought to myself: “hold up, where’s mine?!”

Now I’m sitting at a corner table in Starbucks with the words “Core Desire Feelings” running over and over in my mind.

I have my guiding words: Design + Adventure.

They fit the trajectory I want to embark on. Lifestyle design filled with adventurous memories.

I spent about 2 hours on AirBnB last night, or early this morning, scouring for cheap monthly rentals in various cities.

The ones that really stood out: Seville, Amsterdam, Atlanta.

Yes, it’s that time of the year. I’m not scoping out a life vision. I’m scoping out for a journey, one new city at a time.

In an ideal world I would embody the “Eat, Pray Love” concept with my choice of 3 international cities: Amsterdam, Rome and Cappadocia. Those were my “official” selections. There are many others on the list but to start, these made the cut.

Cue in major problem #1: LANGUAGE.

Thus the 2 hours on AirBnB looking at how affordable Seville was. Porque? So that if someone is plotting to kill, mug or go “Taken” on my ass, I would have a bit of a heads up. My Spanish is broken and far from perfect but I know what “Vamos a matala” means, even with their deep accent.

All that travel planning for my “what if” life left me feeling wanting more. I woke up to a feeling of limbo. I’ve been here before. I’ve lived here for many years.

It’s that crux where what you want is within reach yet still SO. FAR. AWAY.

Back to my core desire feelings. How do I want to feel?  I took a ride last night with the women who gave birth to me. She reminded me that I’m an emotionless “cold fish”, a phrase she once called me when I was younger, unless that was yet another memory I somehow made up. #whatever

I’m supposed to wonder to myself “Feelings? What are these feelings you speak of?” That’s not the case.

I’m a Pisces.

I know how to feel.

I’m just very impressionable and based on my upbringing, I’ve become rather selective about who’s deserving of seeing those feelings.

Let’s just call it self-preservation.

Being able to publicly identifying my “core desire feelings” is a huge step towards healing, I think. Something about being open and honest.

I don’t know. I haven’t been in therapy in some time so my self-psychoanalysis is a bit off key. Blogging is the new therapy and I’m going to be here for a while.

If I’m going to unravel 37 years of untreated mania then why not do it in Seville…or Amsterdam…or Paris…or Florence…

My Core Desire Feelings

  1. Self-Love: because I want to feel good enough instead of always trying to live up to an unrealistic example of perfection.
  2. Inner Peace: because I want to stop being angry, negative and pessimistic and believing that I deserve a positive narrative.
  3. Freedom: because I want to wake up looking at life as an adventure, no matter where I may be.
  4. Daring: because I want to have the blind confidence to do the things outside of my comfort zone.
  5. Passion: because I want to love what I do and be totally unapologetic about it.
  6. Inspired: because I want to feel motivated enough to enjoy feeling excited about everything.
  7. Gratitude: because I want to appreciate being in the moment and thankful that I am self-aware enough to be the best version of myself.