Each month, for the past few months, I’ve indulged in moon wishes. Does it work? Who knows. While I do believe in the power of intention, since I’ve seen it in play many times, I can’t help but credit my own efforts as the key factor in getting what I want.

Each month I lay goals for Left Right Brain Media, the brand under which I do all my design and consulting work. I love the name as it embodies the essence of my philosophy – using both sides of our brains to build brands. So it is with a sad heart that I decide to lay it to rest. LRBM (as I lazily call it when I don’t want to spell out the whole name) has been synonymous with my personal brand. It’s the umbrella upon which I was to do everything non-client related. And now it’s time to put it to bed. Although it won’t completely be shelved, it will become a backseat passenger on my journey.

I consider myself to be a pretty modest person. I don’t grandiose and I rarely brag. Tooting my own horn has never come easy and it’s not a confidence thing. I know I’m good at what I do, really good. I guess I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of being good. I want to be great. I’m at the point in my life, professionally and personally, where I need to reflect my strengths in a way that emphasized how great I am at what I can do. The problem is I had too many projects on my plate and I’ve come to understanding that I can’t be great if I’m settling for good at many different things.

Things that will change starting Februrary 1, 2012:

• I like doing websites but I don’t love it. I like doing it because I get to be creative and I like putting things together. But I don’t love it and if I’m committing my life to pursuing a passion I need to love it.

• I am a writer. I identify as a writer only thing is I don’t write, at least not the kind of writing I want to be doing. My sanity is balanced when I write. I like writing articles but I love writing stories and I have too many unfinished stories that need to told.

• I want to direct. I dabbled once and never looked back. I’m tired of waiting for something that won’t happen unless I make it. I’m a control freak and meticulous about details. I love storytelling and for these reasons I think directing would suit me well. It’s also a great excuse to finally pick up photography, a hobby I’ve been dying to get into.

• I need to leave my bubble. It’s safe and boring and I’m everything but that. ’nuff said.

• And finally, I am an entrepreneur. Not because I say I am but because I have startup that needs to, well, startup. And this leads me to OneStopIndustry.com. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my past failed attempts is that I need to fully commit if I’m going to see traction. I’ve never fully committed to the other websites I’ve tried to launch. I know the value of my capabilities and whenever I set a goal I reach it, but that’s only when I’m committed to the results. I look back at my entire trajectory, from 2001 until now. Somewhere I lost something. Don’t know if it was confidence or motivation or drive. Something changed and I can continue to wait for it to emerge or I can just move forward from where I’m at.

We don’t always get closure from the past and that’s ok. In saying goodbye to the things and people who no longer serve a purpose, I get to open a door and embrace new experiences that will help craft the new chapters. Life, for the most part, is unwritten. As a writer I can chose to write the new chapters or I can stare at blank pages and wonder why there’s no story. I’ve made my choice.

Now if I can only break the night-owl habit that’s so ingrained into who I am.

1) Get up.

Some freelancers work odd hours, and that’s fair enough – you are your own boss. But that comes at a price, and a dear one at that. You’re going to miss important emails, calls and other forms of contact sent by those who work normal hours, and whether you’re a writer or a designer of engagement rings, that means you’re going to struggle when it comes to being prompt and professional.

2) Have an office

Don’t work in your living room. You can do if you have the self-control and the right mindset, but a good start is to actually give yourself a room in your house to work out of. It also means your tax information and various other important items are in one place, and you can insure that the cat won’t suddenly assume that because you’re not currently using it, your laptop keyboard makes the perfect belly-warmer.

3) Go outside.

People who freelance in a computer-led capacity usually have one less reason to leave the house, and the problem with that is that it’s the one reason most people leave the house at all on a regular basis. Ensure you have an active social life, go for walks, and get some fresh air and exercise. Not everyone wants to interact with you at a business meeting if you turn up pale-skinned and more than a little twitchy and agoraphobic.

These are just a few tips, but they’re the most important ones. Just be regular, be organised, give yourself a proper work environment, don’t become too indoorsy, and ensure you’re getting up in time to respond to people in a reasonable timeframe, and you should be fine. Good luck!

But then you realize it’s Sunday, the day before Monday. And the bipolar rush of emotions kick in.

OMG it’s Sunday, where did the weekend go?

Self-employment is not as neurotic as a traditional 9-5 job. The flexibility to call the shots on when I work is liberating. I’ve toyed with the idea of redefining my weekends to Sunday and Monday instead of Saturday and Sunday because Monday sucks. And since I find myself working most Saturdays, it makes perfect sense. The problem with my solution is that the “real world” still runs in M-F mode.

So I’m left alone with the codependent relationship I have with Sundays. Relaxing by day, anxiety-driven by night.

What now?

As I get older, I feel like time speeds up. It was only yesterday that it felt like summer and yet we’re approaching 2012 in what feels like warp speed. It doesn’t help that the temperature is spring-like when it should be more like frosty the snowman-ish. I don’t want to rush into the future so much that I forget the past and neglect the present but I just feel like there should be more.

During my ride this afternoon, I looked at the buildings that overlook the Hudson and wondered to myself if I was in the midst of a depression. I have enough insight into myself and confidence in my own skin to publicly question this realization. The signs are all there even if I don’t want to accept them as such. I don’t feel like I’m depressed, at least not in the stereotypical manner that we’re forced to perceive depression as. I don’t wallow in my bed for 12 hours not wanting to face the world. I sleep a lot because I genuinely like sleep and my bed is very cozy. It’s not a depression or lazy thing. It’s a comfort thing.

Yet I couldn’t help but entertain the idea, what if I was in the midst of a depression. It would be the easy way out, I feel. I wouldn’t have to deep dive into myself to figure out what’s unconsciously bothering me. I could just go to a shrink, talk about my childhood and how my adult life is not where I think it should be. They would give me some Zoloft, after much convincing that it’s helped me in the past, and I could live in the illusion that I’m getting better because it’s how the cycle works. But I don’t feel like I’m depressed and I don’t want to open the flood gates into a realm where I need to talk to a stranger and take some pink pills that will just give me electric shocks at 2am while I’m trying to forget the visions of dolls killing me in my sleep. I’m not a drug addict because I don’t like the effects they have on me. My mind is twisted and when it’s on drugs it gets more twisted.

So where do I go from here? I identify as a writer, entrepreneur and a slew of other empty monikers that do little to describe me as a person. If adding the word “depressed” to the list helps me define where I’m at right now, would that be a bad thing? The holidays spur these thoughts, not because of the whole family thing, but because we’re rapidly (in my mind) approaching a new year and it’s around this time that I reflect on whatever progression I may have made over the past 12 months.

So now what? Now that we’re getting closer to putting 2011 behind us, is there more to life than cyclical patterns of pointless routine or is there a glimmer of hope that 2012 could be the year I finally get to where I want to be? And if I end up being depressed, it’s not the end of the world? So what if I get sad. To appreciate anything we have to experience the opposite so that we understand the value of what we want. If I want to be happy then I have to embrace whatever depression I’m in because without that, I won’t respect the journey it takes to get to a place of happiness. Or so I hear….

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Resources

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Even as I put my lifelong vision together, that too is compartmentalized. Left Right Brain Media is one entity. Brownlight Productions is another and Snaky Latina is treated like the illegitimate bastard stepchild.

But now im getting worried that I had it all wrong. My life should not be summed up with an excel spreadsheet. I am not a business and despite what I have always thought, I am not a brand. For some their personality becomes their leverage. For me I want my brain to serve as the collateral that renders me indisposible.

Looking at myself through the lens of subjective judgement, I find that my flaws are starting to define me. I’m working on this so that my reputation does surpass my intentions. I don’t want to fall in a box defined by others but when my zebra stripes show it’s hard to convince the world that I’m a unicorn instead.

Putting pieces of myself into pretty decorative boxes is no longer filling my purpose. It’s no longer helping my address my inner critics critic and yes even that psychotic bitch has an evil stepmother to contest with. Breaking free of self imposed chains has always been rather difficult. But if I want to be all the things I want be, then I have to start somewhere.

All it takes is one moment to realize that things are wrong, and wrong in the sense that your world is not aligned. It’s quite easy to get disjointed. For some it takes years of feeling repressed from raw emotions. For others it takes the holiday season to unearth years of resentment. For me, it just takes waking up each day. We are products of our environment, even after we reach the age of consent. The government decided that at the age of 18, we’re liable for our actions but the accountability is never placed on the parties responsible for damaging our psyches. So is the age of consent really more like the age that we have to start tracing backwards to unravel the junk that we hold onto in our emotional baggage?

I’m a big believer in personal responsibility. I advocate for it as much as possible. But I’m also objective enough to know that it’s never that black and white. We’re more than just the product of our environment. We’re also the byproduct of the demons that torment those in our immediate surroundings. The energy that we’re exposed to at an early age, shapes the perception that we become to assume is reality.

No one teaches us about defense mechanisms, not until we’re 19 years old and taking Intro to Psychology. No one explains that our parents are the way they are because they’re parents were the way they were. Not until we’re old to enough and distanced enough to have the clarity that helps look outside ourselves. And no one tells us that in order to be who we want to be, we’d have to abandon the person that we’ve spent all our lives becoming.

Part of accepting who we are requires letting go of who others assumed us to be. If it were easy everyone would do it. That’s what makes journeys so special, their uniqueness. Overcoming an obstacle that seems impossible is what makes the journey worth the trip. It’s those small victories that help shape my character so that I’m becoming the best person that I can be. Not because I was raised to be good but because I taught myself to be my own self instead of the self others want me to be.

It’s these moments of reflection that define most entrepreneurs. It’s these moments where we realize that if we were doing anything else we’d be neglecting our core self. We’d be sacrificing our integrity for the sake of complacency. Just typing that sentence gave me the chills.

It’s moments like tonight, where I am able to reflect on the past few days and understand what the “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger” cliche. Several times over I found myself second guessing everything about the last 6 years of my life.

Was it all worth it? Am I a fraud waiting to be exposed?

I try everyday to ignore the inner critic. The voice which tells us that we’re no good, even when everyone around tells us we are. The voice which takes the time to investigate our psyche and find the most potent piece of information that causes the most damage to our self-esteem. As if its’ sole purpose in life was to shatter any semblance of confidence. I’ve been reading the Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles and am in total alignment with Gabby’s take on why we sabotage and how. Our mind is a powerful WMD and if we’re not careful, it’s relatively easy to push the red button.

These past few days can be summed up into one word: broken. It was the first word that came to me when I wanted to cry. It was the only word that I could muster up when talking the arch-nemesis of my inner critic when she asked me what was wrong.

Broken is the one word that gives my inner critic the satisfaction of presumed victory while secretly giving my soul the fuel it needs to power through any funk.

Sometimes it takes getting broken in order to rebuild the strength needed to make it through another day. Broken is not a bad feeling, in hindsight. Although at the time I knew it was not where I wanted to spiritually be. Everything makes sense in hindsight and if it weren’t for my keen sense of perspective and self-awareness, I might be in a completely different state of mind right now.

This life is not for everyone and I’m questioning if it’s still for me. Others make it seem so easy, when I know that it’s not. But then again others have a better sense of clarity for their goals and the circle of peers to keep them in check. I’m a Pisces, in every sense possible. I go with the flow of the current which makes it challenging for those who are trying to be self-employed.

After breaking myself down, I’ve learned to balance self-pity and doubt with confidence and assertiveness in a way that I wasn’t able to before. That’s the whole point of being broken. You get to put the pieces back together in a new way to redefine who you are or learn about who you eventually want to be.